Regulate, Relate, Reason
- Dr Ian Burke
- Jan 19
- 3 min read
Updated: 4 days ago
If you’ve ever found yourself rationally explaining consequences to a sobbing child, you know the profound frustration of feeling like you’re speaking a foreign language. The words seem to bounce right off them. It’s not that your child is being defiant or isn’t listening. Their brain, quite literally, cannot hear you.
The advancements in studying children’s brains has now given us a clear map for these moments. The most effective path through any emotional storm isn’t a shortcut—it’s a specific, non-negotiable sequence: Regulate, Relate, Reason.
This framework, championed by child trauma expert and psychiatrist Dr. Bruce Perry, isn’t just good parenting advice, it’s a fundamental principle of how the human brain functions and recovers from stress. To skip a step is to work against the biology of the brain itself.
Step 1: Regulate (Calm the Body’s Alarm System- yours and your child’s)
When your child is flooded with big feelings such as rage, panic, crushing disappointment, jealousy, their primitive lower brain (the brainstem and a part called the amygdala) has taken over. This is the primal “fight, flight, or freeze” centre. Advanced behaviours like thinking, listening, and learning are offline and unavailable to the child.
The goal of Regulate is simple: help the body feel safe.
This starts with you. Your child’s nervous system co-regulates with yours. Take a deep, audible breath. Slow your movements. Lower your voice. Your calm is the anchor they will eventually latch onto.
Use sensory tools: A cold washcloth on the forehead, a tight hug (if they accept it), deep pressure, a sip of cold water, or stepping outside for fresh air. The goal is to soothe the physiological alarm. Words are secondary here. The body must settle first.
Think of it as: You can’t reason with a fire alarm while it’s blaring. First, you must turn off the alarm!
Step 2: Relate (Connect with the Emotion)
Once the heart rate begins to slow and the tears subside from shrieks to shudders, the middle brain (the limbic system) becomes accessible. This is the seat of emotion and connection.
The goal of Relate is to communicate: “You are not alone. I am with you.”
Move close. Get on their physical level. Offer a gentle touch or simply sit beside them.
Use minimal, empathetic words that validate, not teach: “That was so frustrating.” “You really wanted that.” “That scared you.” This is what Dr. Dan Siegel calls helping a child “feel felt.”
Your compassionate presence tells their brain, “The danger is passing. Connection is here.” This releases calming neurochemicals and further quiets the stress response.
Think of it as: Once the alarm is off, you don’t start lecturing about fire safety. You offer a blanket, a cup of tea, and sit with the person who was scared.
Step 3: Reason (Engage the Thinking Brain)
Only now, after regulation and connection, does the “upstairs brain”—the prefrontal cortex—come back online. This is the home of logic, problem-solving, impulse control, and empathy.
The goal of Reason is to: Teach, learn, and plan for next time.
“Wow, that was a big wave of anger. What happened?”
“Your sister took your drawing. Next time, what could we say instead of pushing?”
“Let’s make a plan for when we feel that mad again.”
This is when consequences, if needed, are discussed logically. This is when lessons are learned and retained.
Think of it as: Now, in the calm, you can look back at what caused the alarm, discuss how to prevent it, and make a safety plan for the future.
Why This Sequence is Non-Negotiable
When we jump straight to Reason (“Stop crying!” “Use your words!” “That’s not how we act!”), we are speaking to a part of our child’s brain that is temporarily unavailable. It creates more frustration for everyone.
Regulate, Relate, Reason respects the architecture of the brain. It builds resilience by teaching children, through repeated experience, that:
Their big feelings are survivable and can be managed.
They are loved even when they are at their most unlovable.
They can, with a calm brain, solve their own problems.
The next time a meltdown begins, pause and silently ask yourself: Which step is needed right now? Start at the beginning. It’s the kindest, most effective way to guide your child—and yourself—back to peace.
This blog post is grounded in the work of Dr. Bruce Perry and the Neurosequential Model, which emphasizes the brain’s hierarchical response to stress, and the relational neuroscience of Dr. Dan Siegel.
